How to Find Joy

5 Reasons I’m Glad I Became a Mom at Age 40

• June Suepunpuck • Season 2 • Episode 41

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In this episode, host June Suepunpuck shares her personal journey to motherhood at the age of 40, reflecting on the societal pressures surrounding timelines for women. She discusses the importance of self-discovery, emotional healing, and the growth she experienced before becoming a parent. June emphasizes the strength gained through her experiences and the tools she developed to navigate the challenges of motherhood. She offers her top 5 reasons why she was glad her timeline to becoming a mom ended up "later" in life. 

Takeaways

  • This episode is dedicated to those feeling behind in life.
  • Motherhood is a personal journey, not a checklist.
  • Knowing oneself is crucial before becoming a parent.
  • Healing from past traumas can prepare you for parenthood.
  • Age can bring strength and resilience in motherhood.
  • Relationships can deepen through the challenges of parenting.
  • Having tools for emotional support is essential in motherhood.
  • Vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness.
  • It's okay to ask for help during challenging times.
  • Living life on your own terms leads to true joy.

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June Suepunpuck (00:00.546)
Hello and happy Monday everyone. Thank you for my ride or dies who did notice that I wasn't there last Monday when I should have been. I was actually at a beautiful wedding for family in Michigan, right by Lake Michigan. It was stunning and it totally looked like the Pacific Ocean. So I definitely had some California nostalgia while I was there. But while I was there, I also brought my baby.

and had a couple of conversations actually about being a mom and what it means to me. And it actually inspired this conversation that I'm gonna have with you today on the podcast because I feel like everyone who was there that I spoke to or happened to speak to were in their 30s. And there were, I don't know, there was this kind of invisible feeling of I don't wanna be behind and

I don't know, it really started to reinforce in my head that perhaps my perspective on becoming a mom at 40 might be actually important for some of the listeners. So I want to say that if you've ever felt like you're behind in life, like there's just this invisible checklist of some sort you're supposed to hit by a certain age, this episode is dedicated to you. Because I know how loud the world can be, particularly for women.

about what we should do and when we should be doing it, whether it's building your career, falling in love, having a baby before our biological clock runs out or something. I mean, it's exhausting. And so today I just want to offer a different perspective, you know, one that is not rooted in fear mongering or deadlines. And like I said, I had made the decision, I believe, yeah, like a couple months before I turned 40.

that, okay, I think I do want a baby. And I was lucky enough to have a baby at 40. And it, in retrospect, was one of the best decisions of my life in terms of waiting that long. But before I get into it, of course, I also want to acknowledge that this is a very tender, like very individual and very privileged topic. Having a baby at all is not something I take for granted because, again, it is not guaranteed.

June Suepunpuck (02:23.831)
And I know not everyone who wants to become a parent gets that opportunity and that fertility, timing, circumstance can be incredibly complex and also extremely painful. For me, once I realized I did want to be a mom, I also knew that if my body couldn't carry a child though, I would have adopted in a heartbeat, no questions asked. Like when I was growing up, I guess as a kid, probably like...

I don't know, thinking about how I would live my life as a parent. I don't know if that's like a girl conversation thing, little girl conversation thing, but you know, in my mind, I kind of dreamt up of like, I'll have my own and then I'll also adopt. But as you will get to understand in this episode, I had a hard shift left into, hell no, I'm not having a kid. So I just want to be clear about all of the different.

avenues of this topic in particular that I've gone through before we get started. But this episode isn't, by the way, a story about this is the better way. It's just my story. It's a very real honest share. It's very personal to me about why I'm glad I waited, you know, and hopefully you'll hear what those years of living and learning, healing and becoming kind of taught me.

and how they've shaped the version of me that gets to be someone's mama today. Welcome to the How to Find Joy podcast. If you are currently feeling unhappy, overwhelmed, stuck in a rut, or simply need a boost of hope, you've come to the right place. I'm your host, June Supanpuk, also known as Joy Guy June, and I'm here to give you honest conversations on how to find joy through this messy thing called life.

My intention is to share practical tips on how to get back on the path towards joy, show you examples of what that could look like for you, and help you feel more inspired and connected to your own definition of success, power, and true happiness. If you're ready to learn what's possible, the How to Find Joy podcast is here for you. So let's get this pod started. Woo-hoo!

June Suepunpuck (04:48.367)
So, okay, let's get right into it. So I said that there are five I think there's more than five but off the top of my head in no particular order I am gonna list numerically one two, three, four five, but again None of these I think they're all equally important for the record. So number one one of the reasons why I'm so happy it took me until 40 to realize that I wanted to be a mom and became a mom is I know myself so much better now

You know, I spent my 20s and 30s, particularly my 30s, getting to know who I really am, like what I want from life, from marriage, from my career. And I gave my independent self so much freedom. I was like, yes, I want to be free. Kids, no, thank you. And I really got to explore a life untethered. And because of that, I do not feel like I'm missing out on anything.

And for the longest time, that was one of my greatest fears before really committing to the idea of becoming a parent was that I was going to miss out on the most fantastic, brilliant work and career of my life. And if I had had a baby younger, I know myself, I definitely would have struggled with those career sacrifices that you genuinely.

usually have to make. mean, granted there are like the Joanna Gaines of the world or the people who seem to have all of their shit together and can hop out a bunch of babies and then still create an empire, right? And for some of the ladies who are capable of doing both, mean, amazing high five. I am so in awe of your abilities because

I know me now at 40, things are a little different. My perspective's a little different. And I feel like while there's no wrong choice at all, I just know that now, you know, choosing my career over spending and being present with my baby as much as I can just doesn't feel right for me personally. And it took a really long time for me to like journey through

June Suepunpuck (07:10.925)
what do I specifically want out of life? And I think that it took me a long time to realize like, yeah, I do want this experience. And I know that there would be like a part of me that would have regretted not at least trying. I know for me, again, like I said, I would have gone into the process of adoption if I could not have one myself. But again, even that decision.

required so much of me uncovering the truth about the other things I desire. And, you know, I think being a joy guide, just kind of am always inundated as well with messages about end of life, about, you know, serious rock bottoms in life that change your perspective on what being human is all about. And so for me, I think

having the joy of knowing what motherhood would feel like was definitely something that I felt like very passionate about. you know, back then I was still figuring out also how to love myself outside of all of the achievement and the goals and the blah blah blah stuff like ego, ego stuff that I had going on. And now though, motherhood definitely feels like an extension of who I already am.

and not a loss of who I used to be, which I was very fearful of. waiting until I was in my forties or just taking my time to really sit with the question, like, do I want to be a parent required knowing myself so much about all the other facets of my life before making that decision? So.

very grateful that I know myself so much better now. Number two, I did a lot of healing before becoming a parent. Not to say that I'm fully healed. I don't think anybody fully can be. It's like a forever onion journey that you're just uncovering each layer as you go through. But for most of my 20s and 30s, I genuinely didn't know, like I said, if I wanted kids.

June Suepunpuck (09:31.509)
I had a lot to unpack around that, especially being a child of immigrant parents who were, you know, doing their best. But if you are a first-generation immigrant child, I would guess that maybe your parent is also perhaps emotionally immature. I don't know. The ones that I have talked to, which are many, have agreed with me that that kind of comes with the package oftentimes.

But I have to say I grew up fast. And you know, I think that I had to, I was probably a parentified child. So for a long time, I didn't want to have a child because I felt like I never got to truly like be one, you know? So I went through lots of inner child work, different healers, went to traditional therapy and kind of like worked out.

all of the relationship stuff that I had to go through. Because also I had to like unpack like who I am with a partner, you know? And that was something that I looked at my own parents and I was like, okay, these are the things that they did well. And then these are the things that I feel like, oof, I probably don't want to repeat this. And a lot of the stuff that I had to heal around was generational trauma.

And so I want to say to you, if you're even considering becoming a parent, recognizing the implications of being a parent requires you to really understand like, you know, sure, you can use parenthood to really unpack all your emotional baggage. But I got to say, thus far in my 11 months postpartum, it is so initiating of all the other hidden stuff.

that might have been lurking that could never be addressed until you're in that situation that doing as much emotional spiritual prep work beforehand is such a relief. know, again, like I'm probably a slow learner, right? But it took me until I was 40 to really have the courage to address the things that are lurking in my skeleton closet, you know, or the skeletons in my closet. I don't have a personal skeleton closet, although

June Suepunpuck (11:52.809)
I do love Halloween, I probably should. But all that to say is like, I'm just grateful I waited until I could make this decision with like true clarity and not out of like this obligation to have a kid because everybody's doing it or out of fear, you know, that I'd be missing out. I, although this is very real, you know, because we don't know when perimenopause would come for a lot of women or

the 20 million other myriad of myriads of health issues that an individual woman can have. But when I made the decision, I was not full, thankfully, of any of those fears or regret, you know, or fear of regret. And I think that that was something that I had to really dive deep into because I also have seen

a lot of parents of my generation admit later that they're like, yeah, you know, I probably shouldn't have had a kid. But it was the time, right? It was the time we just all had kids. It was the next best step for life. And some people, I'm happy they admitted it to me because in the end I'm like, dang, okay.

So that is something that we should really sit with and heal before taking on that role and responsibility, right? And again, I'm saying this and it doesn't mean that I'm a perfect mom and I know all the things. It doesn't mean that at all. But it does mean that because I feel like I waited to do a lot of the uncoverings, a lot of the healing.

a lot of preparation to quote unquote become a parent that I would be proud to be. I came into motherhood without any resentment. And that was again, although I said like, this is not gonna be a fear episode. I did have, I want to recognize and acknowledge that I did have a fear that I would be resentful as a mom.

June Suepunpuck (14:09.207)
And there are definitely certain aspects when in your postpartum where you start resenting certain people or things or whatever, but now that I'm kind of coming out of it, I'm recognizing like, whew, it is very circumstantial and it is actually like that can shift, especially when you get more sleep and your hormones settle the F down, like, holy crap. So yeah.

A lot of healing before becoming a parent, really grateful that I had all those years of experience before going into motherhood. Okay, number three. So I was thinking about it because the other day I went to, I forget if I was on some Instagram account, probably like a millennial Instagram account, and they were talking about how...

like your knees are cracking and like how much when we walk our knees crack. And I'm like, yeah, my knees are definitely crack, cracky, a lot, a lot more cracky than usual. and how there's like a flashback scene in the, the real, and it's like showing why I'm my 40 year old ass is like, has really bad knees and it's a vision of,

us as like college kids in high-heeled stilettos going to the club in a tank top in the dead of winter and like getting low and really doing all kinds of like dirty dance moves. Ugh. And I mean, yes, I am so proud of us for being able to do that. And I can still hear the Lil Jon.

soundtrack as I think about this and the amount of sweat that's dripping off me after every party I dance my ass off at. But, you know, let's be real at 40, like things are not the same, right? I'm not exactly a sprightly spring chicken anymore. I can't drop it low. Although if challenged, I accept the challenge. But if not challenged, I am having a hard time with my knees and everything hurts.

June Suepunpuck (16:23.321)
in new and surprising, you know, ways. But I also shockingly feel stronger than I've ever been at 40, 41. I'm 41 now. There's a stat, I can't remember the exact stat, but it was floating around that women who have babies after 40 actually live longer for some reason. think, ugh, do not quote me, but it's something about like telomeres.

But honestly, I think it's just because you are forced to say so active, especially at a time where I feel like your body just kind of wants to slow down. I'm like, sleep. This is pre-baby June was like, sleep. Let's just cozy up to another Netflix show and have some warm tea. What do you say, girlfriends for a slumber party doing that? And so, yeah, it's.

It's very interesting to really believe and to like prove to myself that I'm stronger than I've ever been because after a freaking 35 hour labor, post my water breaking, I am pretty sure my body deserves an Olympic medal and maybe a standing ovation for my vajayjay. Thank you. Thank you. And now my workouts are basically carrying my sweet baby bear everywhere.

And he's like, my little koala. And he's helping me, I guess, bodybuild in a way I never would have done on my own. Granted, in postpartum, to be real, I have gained, I think, 30 pounds. I think it was actually 25 pounds by the end of labor. And then I've just, in my postpartum overeating, gained another five pounds, maybe 10 pounds. Who knows? I haven't looked at a scale in a bit.

But the last time I did, was like, girl, are, yeah, this is the most you have gained in quite some time. So it's kind of hilarious. Also kind of empowering to think that with all of the extra that's been happening and how tired I am, I also simultaneously weirdly feel stronger than I've ever been. So that was something that was a cool.

June Suepunpuck (18:49.307)
kind of like, wow, that's a benefit. Okay, number four, I got to grow with my husband first. I personally am really glad my husband and I had what, over a decade together before becoming parents. We've lived through so many versions of ourselves and our relationship, whether it's career changes, identity shifts, moves, even our kitty jacks and having our first fur baby, you know, to take care of.

Having a baby after all those years has been, I would say, both the sweetest and the hardest phase we've ever experienced yet to this point, right? We've had to learn kind of like a new kind of teamwork. And this has given us major boot camp, parent boot camp, right? And I kind of wish more people warned you about this. And I don't know if it's because they don't want to...

trauma dump on other people or they're just like, hmm, misery loves companies. We're not going to tell you the real deets. But like, holy hell, postpartum and like the sleepless nights and the different types of triggers that can happen from screaming baby and the way that you cope with it as individuals and as parents and like the differences in random parenting styles where you're like, wow, we were.

so well together, individually and together, but then throwing a screaming newborn baby and all of a sudden everything goes out the window. It's bonkers. But there were definite moments of, are we gonna make it, babe? But this season, guess, has, I mean, it's almost been a year, so I will have to give you a different report maybe next year, but at the end of...

this year of postpartum, it has definitely stretched us in ways that has been, has almost broken us. I mean, not to the point of like, we're going to get a divorce, but like, we both need to go to therapy. Like this is, this is insane. to also like, I really love you again. And it's like renewed our love and renewed like almost like our vows to each other.

June Suepunpuck (21:12.475)
And to be honest, I couldn't have handled this kind of growth in my 20s. No, no, that girl, that chick, that June, uh-uh. Back then, I was so hot-headed, so codependent, so flight, fight energy, like I would have headed for divorce. It would have been bad. And now at 40, I have the patience. I have the ability to trust.

that my partner has my back. now together there's like perspective, patience, and truly a deeper sense of partnership and intimacy that I already thought we were like really good in those areas. And now I'm just like, whoa, right. This is definitely expansion in those areas. And I'm really glad that we understood each other for quite some time before getting into this phase because, whew.

It is something. is something. And but it's also worth it. Right. So number five, I had the tools or I have the tools now and also like multiple communities to meet this transformation that motherhood has been with some grace. Not all grace. It's been a hot mess at times, but

Some grace. So one thing I'm endlessly grateful for is that by the time I became a mom, I had already spent years doing my work as a joy guide, which required a lot of inner work for myself and learning about holding space and compassion and empathy and, you know, studying therapy, but then going to therapy. And honestly, as someone who has lived through a lot of her own

many deaths and rebirths before this one. And really, truly, that's like part of being, I jokingly say this, but I do mean it. Like being a joy guide, I have supported so many people through their transformation of an old identity to a new identity. And I was doing that when I was a stylist, except I was doing it with clothes. know, people would be like, I'm divorced. I want to be a new me. And I would give them a whole new wardrobe to reflect that.

June Suepunpuck (23:37.841)
but now I'm doing like the inner work version of that. And so I am so aware, thankfully, at 40 of like, what does that transformation look like? What does that breakdown look like? What does that rock bottom feel like for myself and for others to the point where it's like, wow, I am so grateful that I had that experience.

and this career to support this because postpartum again like I joked before but it's no joke it really cracks you open in ways you cannot prepare for no matter how many books you read or how many affirmations you whisper again trust me I have tried but because of the work I've done I recognize you know this journey this landscape this very hard terrain

And I knew that what felt like rock bottom for me was actually part of a very beautiful breakdown. And of course, hopefully the kind that makes room for a breakthrough. And by this time, I had a lot of tools under my belt. know, psychological ones, spiritual ones, community ones, and the ability to kind of sit in the dark without assuming it meant something was like inherently wrong with me.

The capacity to be gentle with myself instead of like jumping straight into self-fixing mode. That doesn't mean, again, like I handled it perfectly far from it. I gotta say in the beginning I chose to isolate and I knew in the back of my head I was like you probably shouldn't isolate that's gonna lead to depression June, but it all just felt like too much. Too many emotions, too much newness. I was learning something new about my baby every day and myself and my partner.

too much noise, too many needs, and for a while that solitude honestly felt safe. And I've talked to other parents and they totally agree. They're just like, hell no, if I had to talk to other humans at that time, it was gonna be overwhelming unless they were coming to help me. It was just too much. But you know, I recognized that solitude felt really good for me. It felt really safe and comfy and you know, of course until it didn't.

June Suepunpuck (25:55.493)
And because isolation and rest can look so similar to my brain, you know, they in the end, they'll feel really completely different. Like rest, I realize, can replenish and rejuvenate you. But isolation for me at least depletes. So eventually I could feel that familiar ache of disconnection, you know, that voice inside saying, June, you're slipping into the old patterns again. And

My old pattern is to internalize, is to shut down, is to kind of like, I'm independent. I can fix this my damn self. Like, ugh, so toxic, seemingly so strong, but really it's weak as shit. And instead of ignoring it, I did something about it this time, which I'm very proud of myself for. I started reaching out to my people. I decided to go to a mommy and me yoga class, you know, went to several of them actually.

And I decided to text locals around here in my new neighborhood to kind of like, okay, yeah, let's see if I can find other people to kind of support me or, I don't know, make me feel normal again in a way. Like, let's go out to coffee. Letting myself, you know, also fall apart and be real mid conversation instead of.

pulling up and being like, no, I'm fine, I'm good. You know, that may not sound like much, but for me, the former overachiever, if this was my 20-year-old self or 30-year-old self who was taught to white knuckle through everything and basically equated vulnerability with weakness, this is massive. So I am proud of myself at 40 something that it is proof that

you know, I'm changing and the woman I've become actually trusts herself enough to ask for help when she needs it. And maybe that's what the season is teaching me the most, you know, that strength doesn't always look like holding it together. Sometimes it looks like letting yourself, you know, fall apart and receive help. You know, when I look at the version of me navigating all of this, the one who is

June Suepunpuck (28:17.701)
you know, still in her post- her pregnancy clothes, who's still learning, still messy, like still softening and and you know there's a part of me that's like I don't recognize her. I look in the mirror and I kind of touch my face and you know she's she's a little overweight so she looks different but and her skin's a little different and her hair is a little different and it's all a little different.

because of the experience I just went through or am going through. But I realized that this version of myself is the product of everything that came before. And all of my years leading up to 40 have emotionally and spiritually prepared me to be a mom. And even on the hardest days, I can honestly say I'm proud of her. Whoever this June 2.0, 3.0, 4.0 is.

I'm really proud of her. She's cool. I like her. So yeah, when I look back, am genuinely glad I waited. I'm glad I lived first on my own.

And I'm glad I let myself evolve into somebody who could love this deeply and this honestly and this messily. And you know, if you're someone who's unsure about motherhood or you feel quote unquote behind, I hope this reminds you that there's like no single right timeline. Whether you choose to have a child or not or later or adopt or never, it's your life, right?

And sometimes what looks like being late is actually you arriving right on time for who you were still becoming and for the kind of joy that only comes, in my opinion, from living life on your own terms.

June Suepunpuck (30:20.522)
If you love this episode and want more, there are a few ways to stay connected. You can explore more resources over at JoyGuideJune.com. That's where you'll always find the latest episodes, upcoming events, and ways to work with me. And if you want a community where you can be loved and to also see some of my more private journal essays.

You can join me on the Joy Guide June sub stack. That is also where you will find extra nuggets of wisdom inspired by each of our podcast episodes. And of course, if you're craving personal guidance, you can book a one-on-one joy guidance session with me. It is private, it is custom, and a space for you to get clear on what's next for you in your path to joy. So no matter how we stay connected, I am so glad you're here and I will see you next time.