39. Fixing, Helping, Controlling: When Your Strengths Become Joy Blockers

What happens when the very traits you’re praised for turn into the compulsions that drain your energy and block your joy? In this episode, host June Suepunpuck shares her postpartum breakthrough, why logic and control can’t save us, and how overfunctioning at home or work slowly steals joy. Through personal stories, recovery insights, and a gentle challenge, June invites you to notice your own compulsive patterns and experiment with one small boundary that can bring more ease, laughter, and joy back into your life.

Takeaways:

• The importance of seeking support during challenging times.
• Control and logic can sometimes hinder our ability to find joy.
• Recognizing compulsive behaviors is crucial for personal growth.
• Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining joy and energy.
• Joy is a fleeting feeling that requires openness and spontaneity.
• Over-functioning can lead to burnout and joy deprivation.
• Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
• Parenting can amplify compulsive behaviors and the need for control.
• Finding joy involves letting go of perfectionism and embracing messiness.
• Small shifts in behavior can lead to significant changes in joy. 

Things Referenced:

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Codependents Anonymous

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Transcript

June Suepunpuck (00:02.275)
Welcome to the How to Find Joy podcast. If you are currently feeling unhappy, overwhelmed, stuck in a rut, or simply need a boost of hope, you've come to the right place. I'm your host, June Supanpuk, also known as Joy Guy June, and I'm here to give you honest conversations on how to find joy through this messy thing called life. My intention is to share practical tips on how to get back on the path towards joy.

show you examples of what that could look like for you, and help you feel more inspired and connected to your own definition of success, power, and true happiness. If you're ready to learn what's possible, the How to Find Joy podcast is here for you. So let's get this pod started. Woohoo!

June Suepunpuck (00:54.447)
Hello and happy Monday everybody! I am so excited to report that I'm so much better post-eclipse season and for all my woo community out there, how was your eclipse season? Was it as eventful and groundbreaking and rock bottom-ish as mine was? Because I can say that

Because my eclipse season was so shadowy and so confronting, I pretty much spent the past two weeks since I last spoke to you all with my guided meditation just thinking about all the different ways that I could get support for myself outside of the tools that I am used to dealing with on my own and the outcome and why I f-

I think I'm so excited today is because today I'm going to my first mental health counseling appointment and I'm going to be able to talk about postpartum. I'm 10 months now. So my little baby is 10 months. It's so insane. And it's also been 10 months of relentless, tired, tiring, exhausting, everyday growth.

And it is, I think it just came to a head during the past couple of weeks to the point where it sent me to my first codependence anonymous meeting in person. Usually I go virtual, but I decided I need in-person support. And then I also got a mental health counselor and I really feel like, okay, break down a breakthrough moment. This is it.

So today I kind of wanted to talk about something that hit me as I was going through it. And I wanted to see if anybody else felt the same way, which was that no matter how much as I was going through my hardship, especially lately, it seems that I've been able to use my mind and my logic to say, hey, June, okay, get yourself a different mindset. Do X, Y, Z. You know the steps like you've read.

June Suepunpuck (03:17.923)
all the self-help books, seemingly. You know the tools, you can journal, you can try very, very hard and think your way through this. you know what? Thinking and logic was like, the window. Like it just did not work. So it was almost as though life was not able to go in the direction that I wanted to.

the timing that I wanted to or the plan that I thought it would. it's like life, universe, spirit, whatever you want to call it was just like, you thought you were going to be able to use logic and planning and control this time? Cute June, cute. Because no, you're going to have the rug pulled out from under you and you're going to have to find new way and use your intuition, go back into your body.

really trust in ways that you were you haven't trusted in a long time and you're going to have to ask for external support. And frankly, my audience, you guys are probably high achievers trying to detox from a life of over-functioning and you may or may not be feeling this way eclipse or not as well. So I wanted to say here's the kicker.

throughout my past couple of weeks slash months, it was almost like the harder that I tried to control every last single detail so that I could actually make it through my days, the more exhausted and frustrated and joy-starved I felt. And I guess my breakthrough came actually from a call with a client.

And we were talking about how sometimes the behaviors that feel like our strengths, like the ones that we're even praised or celebrated or in my instance paid for, can actually be the very thing that blocks our joy. And so for me, let's just give an example here. For me, that is problem solving. I am my gift, I would say, is to help, to support and

June Suepunpuck (05:39.224)
at my worst, I guess, to fix. And I only say that from a place of like, okay, this is my gift and literally my job is a joy guide, right? People hire me to see their blocks, name the pattern, help them shift. And at the same time, it's like when I bring that same energy into my family life or my personal life, boy, it turns into my kryptonite. I like...

all of a sudden go into a compulsive behavior, I end up trying to fix things that aren't even mine to fix, I definitely over function and I become my worst fear, which is an enabler. And I guess that realization of course sent me back to, like I said, my first in-person codependence anonymous meeting last week, because it was one of the things that I guess,

One thing was like I needed to ask for help and I realized that because I was kind of like micromanaging my own existence in my everyday life in order to mom and I ended up being so like hyper vigilant and really kind of just making I don't know. I just leaned on no one.

I leaned on no one. What the heck? What was I thinking? And I realized I needed help. And so it's one thing to entirely like, you know, guide someone who is asking for help, which of course are my clients and the people who come to me for joy guidance, but it's a whole other bag of worms.

If I'm just entirely rescuing, micromanaging, or stealing someone's autonomy in the name of quote unquote love, right? And I know this, I have gone to meetings before, I am so aware of it, but I think being a new mom and trying to figure things out every day and kind of survive, like all the different micro mini changes that end up compounding into really big deals, like,

June Suepunpuck (08:00.442)
I think my hypervigilance and also my baby's separation anxiety really sent my over-functioning to like a level that was absolutely unmanageable and super unhealthy and toxic for me. So long story short, it's draining. It's stealing my energy, my presence and duh, my joy. And so right now I'm experimenting, right?

I'm thinking, okay, June, if you have been doing so much on your own and over-functioning, even though I have support like all around me, I'm very, very grateful and lucky for it. And yet somehow my default system is to not ask for help and to not think about like ways to outsource my support. I don't know why, I don't know why. I think it's like old.

default overachiever independent toxic independence Self-reliant thing. I don't know. Do you does this resonate with anybody? But I am experimenting now and I think the experiment already is supporting me first I'm going to obviously the coda meetings for real accountability There's one thing to kind of be like, yeah, I have it in my inbox and I can go virtual whenever but it's like

no, if I'm driving to the location to have the meeting, that is true real accountability for me. then number two, I'm noticing when I become hyper vigilant with my son, right? And I ask myself, do I really need to rescue him right now? And spoiler alert, usually the answer is no. Even when I think the worst is going to happen, he's going to fall off the couch.

He's actually going, when I actually step back and observe him and let him make some mistakes, I'm right there. You know, he actually learns so much without me intervening. And number three, I'm setting very strong boundaries with myself as a mom. And because if I don't, I'll burn out trying to do everything for everyone, even though I don't need to. So.

June Suepunpuck (10:20.361)
Here's the extra funny part is like I recognize that all of this is normal. I have talked to plenty of moms and caregivers who are just like, yeah, this is so legit the norm. And also I don't want it to be the norm. I don't want to laugh about it, right? I said, I started off this with this being like, this is the funny part. It's like, actually it's not funny.

It's not it's not funny. Like I don't want to be the person that jumps in. He will survive. He will learn something. And, you know, I will get five extra minutes to drink my coffee while it's still hot. And you know what? Lo and behold, everybody wins. So if you're listening to this, if you were a caregiver, if you are a leader of your group or your company and

you know, or a leader of your family. Like, is there something within you right now? And this is the question of the week for you. Like, what is a compulsive behavior that might be keeping you from your joy? Right. So, for example, it could be overthinking, overworking, people pleasing, could be fixing or controlling my favorite or endlessly trying to quote unquote do it right. What

is a compulsive behavior that might be keeping you from your joy. And that is the thing that becomes so interesting during eclipse season is parts of you and your life that are a little bit more behind the scenes, a little bit more subconscious. They come to the forefront. They, your inner skeletal demons might come out and be like, hello, we have to address this. And

This was kind of the gift, I guess, that I got from this eclipse season, which is this recognition that I have this compulsive behavior and I probably, I mean, no, not probably. I know I've always had it, but having a child really press upon this nervous system, compulsive behavior to fix or to rescue. It's like, my goodness, I can't do this.

June Suepunpuck (12:45.654)
I can't live my life like this. This is not okay. And I want you to think about what is it that you might be doing and over-functioning right now with and just surviving through and maybe you don't have to. And whatever it is, can you set one small boundary with yourself this week to interrupt the pattern? Not a huge life overhaul. I'm not asking you to do that, but like just one tiny shift, right? So, cause here's the truth.

Joy does not come, I realize now, from perfecting, from logic-ing your way through it or from controlling every outcome. Joy is a feeling and it is fleeting and it can be sustained, but you have to like allow yourself to loosen up in life a little bit in order to even feel the spontaneity of that feeling in your own body, right? And it definitely sneaks in.

when we stop like clutching and trying to like force it, you know, so when we stop like white knuckling life, when we kind of just laugh at the mess instead of trying to meticulously scrub it away. And, you know, I would just want you to invite in more ease this week, right? More laughter, more joy, less struggle, less suffering, less self-imposed.

responsibility because I can definitely realize when I step back and look at my life right now. Why is there so much self-imposed responsibility? What is it within me that keeps me in these behaviors? And for me, the answer is codependency, right? That is that is the focus that is where the light is shining on me right now to really, really get on track with that again. And

You know, it's a lifelong recovery in a lot of ways. So maybe I'll do an episode about codependency in the future for those of you who are more interested in and maybe resonate with what I'm saying. But hey, again, if you're curious about what it looks like to do this work with me, you know, one on one, I offer joy, guidance sessions and do not worry. I definitely set very strong boundaries and I don't try to rescue or enable you. Again, I have.

June Suepunpuck (15:10.589)
very clear non-codependent behaviors with my clients, thankfully. And honestly, I think having that work is what keeps me accountable because otherwise I would be terrible at my job. But my goal is really to shine a light on the patterns you might not see, hand you a few tools and remind you that you have always had the power and the intuition to choose your next

brave, messy, joyful step. Because if logic is out the window, maybe even for a moment, I know it's gonna be so hard for you who are like, no, Jude, I'm so mindset oriented and I love a good schedule and I love me some control. Boo, you are preaching to the choir here. But maybe, just maybe, if we allow a loosening of the logic and perhaps allow our bodies

to take over in a way that is maybe a little bit more free and intuitive and spontaneous. Maybe joy can come in through the door. So I hope this is supportive for you. Again, I am also on Substack. If you want to make a comment, leave your story, answer the question in the Substack, go ahead. The link will be

in the show notes and I can't wait to talk to you in two Mondays. Have a good one.

June Suepunpuck (16:46.527)
If you love this episode and want more, there are a few ways to stay connected. You can explore more resources over at JoyGuideJune.com. That's where you'll always find the latest episodes, upcoming events, and ways to work with me. And if you want a community where you can be loved and to also see some of my more private journal essays.

You can join me on the Joy Guide June sub stack. That is also where you will find extra nuggets of wisdom inspired by each of our podcast episodes. And of course, if you're craving personal guidance, you can book a one-on-one joy guidance session with me. It is private, it is custom, and a space for you to get clear on what's next for you and your path to joy. So no matter how we stay connected, I am so glad you're here and I will see you next time.